Sometimes, he really hated himself.
It wasn’t that he was not awesome, because he was; it was that sometimes, he did some really stupid things. Case in point: that moment.
It was dark in his hotel room – their room – but he knew how to manoeuvre through it with ease. The first problem, however, was detangling himself from the other’s impossibly long limbs. They had indulged themselves in mattress activities in celebration of the end of Super Junior’s concert tour. It wasn’t hard and fast – they had just finished performing after all – but it was languid and slow. It lured the senses, snared it and then consumed it completely. It wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy it, because he damn well did; it was that his mind was elsewhere. Lately, it had always been elsewhere.
He blamed the tour.
The moment the older man’s breathing had evened out and became shallow, he knew he would be able to leave him. Slowly, slowly, he lifted the precarious arm from around his waist. Slowly, slowly, he slipped his bare legs from the legs that went on forever. Slowly, slowly, he inched away from the embrace, the warmth, the love of the other man.
He wasn’t sure how much time – precious time – passed before he was finally standing straight beside the bed. Through the darkness, he could see the form of the tall foreigner, wrapped around the sheets, his limbs sprawled as if something was missing in them. Him.
Without thinking, he began to reach out, slowly… slowly… His fingertips grazed the still-heated skin of the other’s forehead, brushing back soft strands of hair. He jerked back when the sleeping man suddenly murmured,
Slender hands began to feel around for missing warmth, solid warmth, but feeling empty sheets instead. Kyuhyun looked around frantically, finding a pillow on the ground and practically shoving it into the older man’s arms. Even with the lack of light in the room, he could practically see the expressions playing on the man’s face. The slight pout, the furrowed brow contemplating if what was in his arms was truly what he sought. When he burrowed his face into the pillow, sighing heavenly and clutching it fiercely, Kyuhyun softly sighed with relief,
He was loathed to leave him, but something told him he had to. He didn’t want to and yet, he needed to.
He felt around the floor with his feet, remembering where he had tossed his boxers and his pants. He slipped them on quickly, quietly, his eyes never leaving the dark form. When he found a t-shirt on the ground – he wasn’t quite sure who it belonged to – he pulled it over his head and quietly padded to the door.
He opened the door slowly, quietly, praying that the flood of light from the corridor wouldn’t awaken the older man. Yellow light streamed in and his heart caught when he was able to see clearly the pile of limbs. Zhou Mi was curled around the pillow, his arms hugging it tightly, his cheek pressed against the white softness as a subtle smile curved his lips.
He wanted to stay.
He glanced towards the lit corridor, a silent siren’s call beckoning to him over and over again. He looked back at the sleeping man, his heart beating hard and fast telling him to stay this time; telling him not to leave, again. His slender fingers gripped the doorknob tightly, his mind racing miles a minute trying to decide. His mind urged him to escape into the corridor and slip down the hallway to his destination. His heart urged him to close the door and slip back into the arms of the one he loved.
Before he became even more conflicted, he forced his feet to move, forced his body to move until he was shrouded in light and the solid door was at his back. He sighed heavily, leaning his head back against the door and tilting his face up to the corridor ceiling.
He felt like he was cheating. He was cheating… wasn’t he? He suddenly didn’t know anymore. In the beginning, things had been so clear-cut. His emotions weren’t engaged, his thoughts weren’t muddled. Now, however, he wasn’t sure anymore. Suddenly, everything was hazy and, as he stood in the corridor and not still in bed with Zhou Mi, he knew his emotions had become engaged. He loved Zhou Mi, had from the moment they first met. He clenched his fists which were at his sides; but now, he also loved…
He breathed carefully, deeply, his eyes slowly opening and automatically going to the door just down the hall from his own – their own – and he could feel his heart become heavy. He should just turn around and go back to bed, go back to Zhou Mi.
But he was already this far.
He knew that he shouldn’t have left Zhou Mi, shouldn’t keep returning to… but he needed to. His heart hated him for it, but his thoughts rejoiced. His hands practically tingled in anticipation, his mind racing to think of all the different possibilities.
He took a step forward but then looked back at his door - their door. He raised a hand, his fingertips just kissing the smooth surface before his hands fisted against it,
“I’m sorry Zhou Mi… I don’t understand this… I didn’t mean for any of this to happen… but I have to go… I have to know what could be,” He bit his lip for a moment, his eyes concentrated on the wood’s grain, “I do love you… but I love…” He sighed, his hand falling away from the door, “I love you more… I love you more… that has to be enough to keep us together through this… I love you more… so please… please don’t wake up.”
Then, inhaling quickly, deeply, he sprinted down the hall to the next door. Glancing to where he had just come from, he raised a hand. He could see his fist practically shaking before he knocked once, paused and knocked three more times in quick succession. He waited a heartbeat and no more before the door slowly opened an inch and then opened completely.
“Sungmin,” Kyuhyun allowed his entire body to relax, his lips to form a small smile as he entered the room.
Sungmin closed the door behind him, locking it securely before he followed Kyuhyun to the bed, taking a seat on the end as the younger man slipped down to the floor, reaching out slowly, tentatively, almost worshipful as he grabbed the hard, smooth controller.
“Took you long enough,” Heechul admonished as he walked out of the washroom, coming to the bed and sitting on the edge as Sungmin was. He swiped the video game controller from Kyuhyun, “I’m first player. That’s what you get for playing with Zhou Mi first before coming to join us.”
Kyuhyun sighed heavily as he pulled on the earpiece and mic that Sungmin handed over to him, “Yeah, yeah… what about Kibum? Is he online?”
“Yah! Kibummie has been online for hours waiting for you to finish off the party!” Heechul exclaimed,
“Leave him alone, Heechul,” Sungmin said as he pulled up his legs to the mattress, crossing them as he picked up another controller, “Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi love each other.”
“I do love Zhou Mi,” Kyuhyun said solemnly before picking up a controller and narrowing his eyes, “But now it’s time to kill some aliens.”
(For the companion piece, Anything for Him)
Dedicated to anyone who's ever looked for a kiss and heard a video game being played instead! XD
A/N: Much love to Sarah for helping me decide on a title (they elude me most frequently and efficiently... usually.)