[spin] Fated to Lose

words: 7981
rate: PG13
(Part of the Fated series.)


“I love you, Kangin.”

The phone slipped from his hand, dropping back onto the desk with a loud clack, shutting as it hit the wooden surface. He was immobile as he felt… how did he feel? His heart was racing, beating painfully against his ribs. His lungs couldn’t seem to take in enough air and he found himself gasping. His hand still in midair by his ear was shaking terribly; his entire body was trembling.

Had he heard right? If he didn’t, would he be disappointed? If he did, how would he feel? Slowly, he glanced at the bed. The form there was shifting slowly, sitting up slowly. His hand slowly dropping to his side as he locked eyes with Sungmin, Kangin could feel his cheeks heating up as if he were a child being caught stealing cookies from the jar. As he stared at Sungmin, his heart began to pump even faster, his body preparing itself for… he wasn’t even sure.

“Kangin?” Sungmin muttered sleepily, using the heel of his palm to rub his tired eyes, “Is something wrong?”

“No,” He replied as his mind screamed ‘Yes!’.

Everything was wrong. He felt as if he was good again. He felt as if he was slowly becoming who he once was. He was happy, he laughed. Damn it, he was loving again. But now? As if in a trance, he glanced at the phone lying dormant on the desk, precariously half-off the edge. In the span of four words, he was brought back, catapulted months before when his world revolved around someone else, before that world began to crumble around him.

His mind was flashing memories of secret smiles and subtly brushing hands; of long walks together and conversations that lasted until dawn; of skin on skin, sweat and panting and the climatic end. He blinked at Sungmin, they had done those same things as well, but it had all been different. A different time, a different feeling… a different man.

He was happy, wasn’t he? He loved Sungmin, didn’t he?

In a split-second, Kangin crossed back over to the bed and stretched out beside Sungmin who still looked at him with sleepy eyes. His hands cradled his face and before Sungmin could say anything, he pressed his lips against the other’s. His kiss was feverish, demanding and a little of something else. He kissed urgently, passionately, trying to quell whatever it was he was feeling just moments ago. He slanted his lips even more over Sungmin’s, his tongue insistent against the seem of his lips. He pressed Sungmin back against the mattress, demanding entry.

Sungmin was startled, what had brought this on? So many questions roamed in his head, but all his attention was on this kiss. He felt its heat, its ferocity and at the same time, he felt something darker tinge it. He wanted to push Kangin away and demand what was wrong. He wanted to pull Kangin closer and cleanse him with his body. He was conflicted on how to react and somehow, he knew Kangin was always conflicted over something.

No he comes first, Sungmin thought as he eased his muscles, becoming pliant beneath Kangin’s hard body. Slowly, he parted his lips and Kangin slipped his tongue through immediately. His tongue tasted every surface of Sungmin’s mouth, tickling the roof before caressing his tongue. When Kangin moved his mouth away, Sungmin was breathless. He wanted to talk, wanted to ask, but Kangin wouldn’t let him. His mouth pressed hard kisses against his jaw, up to his ear. When Sungmin felt teeth graze his earlobe, he let out a soft, content sigh, his arms immediately wrapping around Kangin’s shoulders.

“Kangin,” Sungmin whispered urgently, his thoughts too insistent, wanting to know what brought on this sudden fervour.

“Shhh…” His lips tickled Sungmin’s ear as he softly breathed, “Let me have this…”

Sungmin said nothing, but allowed him to do as he pleased. As Kangin brought his mouth down his throat, his hands pushing up the hem of his shirt, Sungmin stared intently at the ceiling, trying to battle against his worried thoughts and heightened arousal. Kangin handled him with all the intensity and passion as he always did, and yet, he felt something different between them this time.

Something was missing. It allowed him to keep his wits as Kangin kissed and touched him everywhere. It allowed him to not respond to Kangin while at the same time getting aroused. He shut his eyes tightly as he realized what was missing. He bit down on his lip to stop himself from crying out a sob that had nothing to do with Kangin’s ministrations. He felt the hot sting of tears and fought them back.

What was missing was love.

…

Heechul sighed as they rode the elevator down. He was tired which essentially meant he was moody which essentially meant that today’s shooting for a variety show was going to be grating, indeed. He glanced towards his companion for the day, Eeteuk. They were scheduled to both shoot for the show today. Eeteuk hadn’t spoken to him since last night and even now as they rode down the elevator with two managers, they were in silence.

He could tell by the way Eeteuk was that something must have happened between when they were on the balcony and this moment. Eeteuk was pressed against the back corner of the elevator, his arms crossed loosely about his torso. His gaze was on the ground, his eyes slightly narrowed in deep thought. He had become accustomed to seeing Eeteuk as thus, especially since after he had broken up with Kangin, Eeteuk had grown very pensive. This time, however, seemed different. His posture was as it usually was, but the air around Eeteuk seemed different.

The doors slid open as they reached the lobby and their managers stepped ahead of them. As Heechul and Eeteuk exited, Heechul caught sight of another Super Junior member leaning against the wall opposite the elevators. Something did happen. Eeteuk had stopped beside him and, even though they weren’t even touching, Heechul could tell that the leader had stiffen.

Kangin pushed off the wall and took a mere step towards them, his eyes intent on Eeteuk alone. Heechul glanced between them and was startled to find the air charged with… something. It wasn’t something necessarily good, but it was something and that was more than what had been there over the months following their break-up.

Heechul glanced questioningly at Eeteuk who returned his gaze. He raised an eyebrow challengingly, not completely sure if he should leave them to their own devices.

“I’ll be there in a few minutes,” Eeteuk said swiftly, breaking their eye contact.

With one last glance at Kangin, Heechul strode off to catch up to their managers. Before he even disappeared from their view, Kangin grabbed Eeteuk’s wrist and dragged him over to the stairwell. The moment they were in the cement encasement, Kangin backed Eeteuk against the door, his palms slamming against the metal door on either side of Eeteuk’s head. He flinched.

“What the hell was last night?” Kangin demanded, praying he wasn’t shaking as he did every time he thought of this moment.

“It was… it was the truth,” Eeteuk said simply, returning Kangin’s gaze steadily.

“What happened to all of that crap about you not being able to love me back?” Kangin demanded, “Huh? Why the fuck did you wait four months to say it back!?”

“Because it took me three months to realize it and… and by then…” Eeteuk looked away, his words trailing off into silence.

“By then I was already with Sungmin,” Kangin finished. He pushed away from the door and stood a few feet away from Eeteuk. Arms crossed over his chest, Kangin stared at the wall rather than at Eeteuk, “Then why the hell are you telling me now?”

“I wanted to tell you,” Eeteuk replied,

“Oh, that’s nice,” He retorted, his words drenched in sarcasm, “One thing though, Eeteuk - I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!”

“I… I know-”

“DO YOU!? Because I don’t think you do!” Kangin swung his gaze towards him, “Four months ago I told you I loved you and you threw it back in my face! I’ve finally bounced back… I’m finally happy again and… and… and NOW you decided to tell me!? WHAT THE HELL!?”

“I couldn’t stand it Kangin,” Eeteuk said quietly, steadily as he locked gazes with his dongsaeng, “For a month I watched the two of you and all I could think was ‘that used to be me’. I can’t stand it anymore - I just can’t. I can’t stand back and watch you with someone else, I can’t be idle anymore, I can’t-”

“THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU!” Kangin roared, his voice echoing in the stairwell,

“You can’t tell me that your love for me died so easily! You can’t tell me that love disappears so quickly!” Eeteuk exclaimed, eyes narrowed and fists clenched at his side.

He knew he was probably shaking, but he didn’t care. His heart was pounding ferociously in his chest and he could barely breath as he talked. Thoughts that had accumulated over the past month were finally given a voice and he wasn’t going to allow his fear stop him. He was probably making a fool of himself, he acknowledged, but he had to try. He had to try one last time for Kangin, or he’d never forgive himself.

“Love… is stronger than that,” He somehow managed to ground out, feeling the familiar sting of tears behind his eyes.

Kangin stood their, frozen. His mouth had gone dry, his heart had slowed to the point that he wasn’t sure it still beat and he seemed to lose the ability to breathe. Those memories that assaulted him last night were back with a vengeance. He had loved Eeteuk, had loved him dearly and to the point of obsession. Every moment was spent thinking of him, of waiting until he could see him again, touch him again. He had loved Eeteuk fiercely like a burning flame and… and did three months truly extinguish the fire?

Kangin walked towards him until a foot separated them. “Four months ago,” he heard his voice come out quiet and hoarse, “you didn’t even know what love was.”

“Things change… people… people change too,” Eeteuk replied softly as he tentatively reached out towards Kangin, his slim hand cupping his cheek. “Now that I know what love is, don’t let me lose faith in it already, Kangin.”

Kangin didn’t say anything, couldn’t say anything. His eyes fluttered close as Eeteuk pulled him into a small, sweet kiss.

…

The day was cool even as the sun shone brightly above. Kangin stood on the rooftop, one hand loosely gripping the criss-crossing wires of the fence which surrounded the roof’s perimeter. Letting out a heavy sigh, he closed his eyes and leaned his head against the cold, metal wires. It had been an hour since Eeteuk had left him in the stairwell. Afterwards, Kangin began the slow ascent to the building’s roof via the stairs.

Why had he let it happen? He knew what Eeteuk was planning on doing and yet he allowed Eeteuk to hold his face so affectionately and kiss him so tenderly. He had allowed it all despite that the entire time, he knew he shouldn’t, knew that he had a loving boyfriend. He knew he shouldn’t have let Eeteuk do it, should have walked away or pushed him away. However, for some reason or another, he didn’t - couldn’t. It seemed almost as if his body had a will of its own and refused to walk away from Eeteuk.

He felt a pair of slim arms wrap around him from behind and for a fraction of a second, he stiffened. Then, he smelled the scent which he knew to be solely Sungmin. He didn’t smell or have body odour and he didn’t even wear distinguishable cologne and yet, he knew that subtle scent. He felt the strength in those arms despite being slim and his body knew they belonged to Sungmin alone.

Slowly, Kangin turned in his arms and wrapped his arms around Sungmin’s shoulders, holding him tightly. They stood there silently, simply embracing as a crisp, light wind embraced them. Kangin closed his eyes as he brought his head beside Sungmin’s, his lips at his ear, his nose tickled by Sungmin’s short, black hair. They said no words and made no actions but Kangin knew, just knew that that wasn’t needed. He felt as if his heart had been thrown into chaos but this, him, calmed it.

If he could describe his love for Eeteuk as fire, he had to describe his love for Sungmin as water. It flowed freely between them. It calmed him, cooled him and refreshed him body, mind and soul. His love could be like a light, spring rain or as intense as a thunderstorm. It could relax him or give him vitality. He was in love with Sungmin, he had never doubted that. What he did doubt, however, was if he was over Eeteuk.

Sungmin buried his face into Kangin’s shoulder, his arms tightening accordingly. He did so to hide his smile. He wasn’t sure how, but he had felt a change in Kangin. He felt whatever was raging in his hyung calm down. He felt whatever made him so stiff, soften. He felt the love again.

“You’re back,” Sungmin said, his words muffled by Kangin’s jacket, but only a bit.

“You brought me back,” Kangin replied earnestly as he inhaled deeply. Yes, this was what his senses knew to be Sungmin.

“You… you scared me,” He admitted, his voice quiet and tentative.

“I know… I’m sorry,” Kangin said as he released his hold, taking a step away from him, “I’m… I’m working some things out.”

Sungmin tilted his head slightly to he side as he regarded his boyfriend quietly. In that instant, he knew. Nothing changed of Kangin’s posture, but Sungmin still knew. It could be the slight shake in those strong hands he loved to feel on his body. It could be the light in those eyes he always got lost in. It could be the way Kangin stared at him without actually seeing him. It could be any of these, all of these or none of these but, no matter what, Sungmin knew: Kangin was going to leave him.

“I’ll call you later,” Kangin insisted with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

Sungmin was silent as Kangin brushed a kiss to his cheek then walked towards the door into the building. He heard behind him the swinging of the heavy, metal door. He heard it shut with a thud and then heard nothing but endless silence. He realized at that moment, that he had been holding his breath, that his heart seemed to understand the moment and had stopped beating.

Hand trembling, he brought it to clasp over his mouth. He stood still, looking out at the city as he felt something hot and wet pool around his eyelashes. He felt it was hard to breath, hard to move, hard to do anything other than what had just transpired between him and Kangin. When he fell, his knees touching the floor, he was doubled over, a hand propping him from lying down, one hand still covering his mouth. He slowly moved that hand so he was on hands on knees, his eyes staring at the cement below him. He was gasping for air, gasping for warmth, gasping for life. He felt the cement turn dark as wet spots appeared but he couldn’t make the connection between that and his suddenly blurred vision. He felt pain seep through his entire body, centering around the left side of his chest. He couldn’t do or say anything.

All he knew was that he had just lost something.

…

A few days later, Kangin was with all the other members in one of the dorms. They decided that since their activities pulled them all apart, they’d get together for dinner. So, as he sat in the living room beside Sungmin on the couch, Hankyung and Shindong cooked in the kitchen. The members were displaced randomly throughout the dorm, others who lived in the dorm below remained there until dinner was finished.

Heechul, who had taken a nap with his cat, came out of his room, stretching his arms high above his head. He made the barest of pauses in his steps to the kitchen when he noticed that, while Kangin and Sungmin sat on the love seat in the living room, Eeteuk sat on the couch adjacent to it, placing him on the other side of Kangin. He continued on to the kitchen and just as he was getting a drink, Hankyung asked him to go to the convenient store a few doors down from the apartment building for drinks for dinner.

Instead of saying no or scowling as he usually would, Heechul leaned against the archway that separated the kitchen from the living room. His eyes roamed over his friends in the living room, specifically over the three who sat silently as invisible lines connected two of them to the man between them. He called out to the leader of Super Junior, stating that Hankyung had ordered Eeteuk to get drinks for all of them. Accepting it as his duty as a leader, Eeteuk consented almost immediately. Heechul stood silently as he watched Sungmin.

Sungmin was sitting on the love seat, an elbow propped on the armrest and his chin in his hand. He watched the movie he, Kangin, Eeteuk, Kyuhyun and Kibum were watching. The movie was one of his favourites, and yet, for the past forty minutes, he was unable to register anything that was going on. As he sat leaning forward, presumable enraptured by the movie, his free hand was beside him on the couch, loosely clasping Kangin’s.

That hand was warm and big in his own. It conveyed a protection and love he felt from the other man. It also elicited a protectiveness and love from himself for his hyung. He knew that hand, could imagine every crease in the palm, every swirl in his finger prints. He knew what it felt like when those fingers were callused, when the backs of those fingers brushed his skin. He knew how strong yet gentle that hand could be, how commanding yet tender it could be. He knew how it felt when that hand was laced with his own, when that hand held him, when that hand caressed. He knew everything about that hand and refused to let go of it so easily.

His thoughts were broken when he heard Heechul yelling at them from the kitchen. Movement from his peripherals caught his attention more when Eeteuk stood from his place on the couch with Kyuhyun and Kibum. As Eeteuk went to his room for his wallet, Sungmin couldn’t help but tense up. Eeteuk appeared again, heading to the door and slipping on his shoes. He called out to the others, asking for some company.

Sungmin knew before it even happened. He felt Kangin begin to slip his hand from his, began to shift on the love seat to stand up. Immediately, he clamped his fingers around Kangin’s hand before its warmth left him completely. He tightened his hand with all his might yet disallowed the others from knowing something was wrong. From the corner of his eye, he knew Kangin was watching him and Sungmin knew he’d be correct in assuming that Kangin was staring at him questioningly. However, he refused to look at him, refused to move or breathe. His eyes remained fixed on the television, his entire posture remained slack except for the vice grip he had on Kangin’s hand.

Kibum stood up then to accompany Eeteuk. He lightly shoved Kyuhyun’s shoulder, telling him to come with them. Sungmin barely heard as Kyuhyun began to refused and Kibum commented on how the maknae was always either sitting at the computer or sitting before the television.

As the three left the dorm, all of Sungmin’s thoughts swirled around the one who remained beside him. The door closed behind their friends and Sungmin felt his lungs fill with air again. Slowly, ever so, he loosened his grip on Kangin’s hand. Eventually, he released Kangin’s hand altogether, suddenly feeling as if he were burnt. He had succeeded, he should feel victorious as he had kept Kangin by his side. However, his heart felt even heavier than before as he couldn’t deny the fact that he had to forcibly keep Kangin there.

Heechul watched silently as Sungmin pulled his hand away. When Kangin turned to him, Sungmin stood and excused himself to the bathroom. Heechul couldn’t help but watch protectively as his dongsaeng slip into the bathroom, the door closing firmly after him. He turned his eyes to Kangin, watching the emotions that played on his friend’s face. After glancing at the bathroom door once more, Heechul turned back to the kitchen.

So, he thought, Sungmin knows.

…

When dinner rolled around, it didn’t escape Kangin’s mind that he was - once again - sitting with Sungmin at his right and Eeteuk at his left. The members were dispersed throughout the dining area and the living room eating their meals. The dorm was filled with liveliness and talking as the members caught up with one another. The only silence found in the room were the three members who sat side-by-side at the dining table.

Kangin reached for the pitcher of water on the table at the moment Eeteuk was too. His right hand brushed with Eeteuk’s left. They both paused, froze as they looked at one another, their eyes locking.

“Go ahead, hyung,” Kangin said abruptly as he turned his gaze away.

He found himself looking at Heechul who sat across from him. He noticed the observant eyes of his hyung and raised a questioning eyebrow. Heechul glanced to Kangin’s left then to his right. Before Kangin could make anything of it, Heechul picked up his plate and retreated to the kitchen.

“Here, Kangin,” Eeteuk said as he poured water into Kangin’s glass for him then replaced the pitcher on the table.

Kangin looked at him, slightly startled. He could feel a tell-tale heat creep up his neck, willing it to not touch his cheeks. He nodded a silent thanks and Eeteuk smiled at him brilliantly, his damnably adorable dimple surfacing at the left corner of his mouth. He blinked, unable to say anything. What could he say? It had been so long since he saw that smile directed at him, that dimple appearing for his sake. When he saw that smile, he felt as if something had been lost but suddenly returned to him again.

Kangin forced himself to look away this time. He felt his head cloudy and confused. He loved Sungmin, but if it turned out he still wasn’t over Eeteuk as he previously assumed, he couldn’t continue on with Sungmin; it wouldn’t be fair to his dongsaeng. As if trying to find some truth, some stability, Kangin reached beneath the table with his right hand, searching for Sungmin’s hand. He found it and wrapped his fingers around it but Sungmin evasively slipped his hand away, bringing both of his hands atop the table.

He turned to look at him, confused and hurt. He said nothing but bore his eyes at Sungmin, trying to signal him, silently tell him to look at him. He felt his right hand itch, burn from the rejection. He felt his heart constricting painfully even as he heard his blood pounding in his ears. What happened? What had he done? That entire evening, they hadn’t exchanged any words with one another, but he hadn’t said a word to Eeteuk either until they both grabbed for the pitcher.

As Kangin stared at him, willing for Sungmin to turn and meet his eyes, he remembered earlier that evening. He remembered when Sungmin had gripped his hand so tightly that it was almost painful. He remembered how his grip hadn’t loosened until Eeteuk had left the dorm. He felt as if all air had gone from his lungs. Did Sungmin know of the confession? Worse yet, did Sungmin know of the churning emotions within him?

Sungmin sat there, eating silently. Once he had cleared his plate, he rose and brought his dishes to the kitchen. He went to the sink, barely noticing that Heechul was nearby, hips leaning against the counter as he finished his food. Sungmin placed his dishes in the sink then ran the water to prematurely wash the dishes.

As the water flowed, he gripped the edge of the sink. His eyes sought out his left hand and recalled the feel of Kangin wrapping his fingers around it. His skin still felt warm from the contact. At the same time, his touch had felt like a burn, hurting him in more than just the physical sense. That same hand had touched Eeteuk’s first. It was the barest of touches and completely innocent, Sungmin knew. However, all that ran through his mind when Kangin grabbed his hand with that same hand, all he could think was that Eeteuk had touched it first.

He could feel his heart beat slow down until he wasn’t sure it still beat. If he was being completely honest with himself, Eeteuk had touched every part of Kangin before him. Eeteuk had kissed those lips first, probably even touched that body first and had certainly been the centre of Kangin’s attention first. He gripped the sink even harder as the final realization pummelled into him, knocking the air from his lungs:

Eeteuk had been in Kangin’s heart first.

Suddenly, Sungmin whipped his head around, looking over his shoulder past the kitchen’s archway to the dining table. His eyes landed upon the pair who were now alone at the table, sitting quietly as they finished their meals. The chatter of the other members rose in volume but Sungmin heard none of them, saw none of them. All he saw was the two members who had been together, had broken apart but now sat together again.

He willed his heart to beat. Please.

His sight blurred before him and he turned his gaze back to the sink before anyone saw his tears. He gritted his teeth, biting down hard to stop the sobs from escaping his body. He gripped the sink until his muscles ached from the effort, trying to stop himself from shaking. He willed himself to breathe, tried to inhale deep, steadying breaths. It was all in vain.

The clatter of dishes pulled him from his thoughts. He looked up to find Heechul now directly beside him having just dumped his plate atop of Sungmin’s in the sink. He looked at his hyung questioningly, no longer caring that his eyes brimmed with unshed tears. Heechul, leaning his back against the counter, glanced towards the others and, when he saw that no one was paying them any attention, reached up to Sungmin’s face. Using the cuff of his sleeve, he dried Sungmin’s tears. Standing with his back to the sink as Sungmin faced it, Heechul turned off the running water then wrapped an arm around the closest of Sungmin’s, his hand warm on Sungmin’s wrist. With his other hand, he reached over and clasped his dongsaeng’s shoulder.

Sungmin blinked back his tears at Heechul’s gesture when he realized what Heechul was doing. I’m not the only one who sees it… As his tears returned, he ducked his head, no longer having the strength to keep it held high. He stifled a cry as Heechul’s arm tightened around his, Heechul’s hands gripping him more firmly, more protectively.

He finally felt his heart beat, only to have it crack at the effort.

…

After dinner, while some members retreated to their beds, others stuck around in the one dorm to watch a movie. In the dimness of the dorm, Eeteuk pulled Kangin away from the living room where the others were. He pulled him down the hallway where the bedrooms were and brought him far enough from the living room that they could talk privately while at the same time, the sounds from the movie made sure they weren’t overheard from the others. Once they stopped walking, Kangin tugged for Eeteuk to release his arm. He did so reluctantly.

“What are you doing?” Kangin asked, eyes narrowing,

“Please Kangin… I… I can’t go on like this,” Eeteuk stated, “I need to know how you feel.”

“You know how I feel,” Kangin hissed as he turned to leave.

Eeteuk stopped him by pushing him against a bedroom door, “No, I don’t… not about me, anyway. Kangin, please… do you still love me? Is there any part of you that still loves me?”

“Eeteuk,” Kangin sighed, looking away to where a light from the television broke the darkness of the hallway.

“Please!” He whispered urgently, “Kangin… if there’s a part of you that still loves me, we can start again. We can have what we did before except this time, I’ll be loving you too. Isn’t that what you wanted? Isn’t that what you’ve been waiting for?”

“Eeteuk, I’m with Sungmin now,” Kangin said simply, still avoiding his gaze.

“Then tell me you don’t love me anymore. Tell me that and I’ll leave you alone. I’ll walk away and never mention it again,” Eeteuk insisted. He swallowed hard before continuing, “But if you do still love me, then don’t walk away from me… don’t walk away from love…” He reached up, cupping the side of Kangin’s face, forcing him to look at him; “Don’t make the same mistake I did.”

Kangin gazed at him for an infinitesimal moment before reaching up and pulling Eeteuk’s hand from his face. He moved to leave, but Eeteuk manoeuvred their hands so that he was holding Kangin’s, stopping his escape.

“You didn’t answer,” Eeteuk stated.

“I know,” Kangin grounded out.

“Tomorrow… at midnight… Tomorrow I’ll be up on the roof. If you don’t show up, then I’ll know you no longer love me and I swear that Sungmin will never know about this while wishing you and Sungmin all the best. But if you do come, then I’ll know you do love me, at least a little and I promise I’ll no longer hold back what I feel for you,” Eeteuk declared amongst the noise from the living room.

Kangin stared at him, shrouded in shadows while parts of his face were lit by the soft light from the television. His eyes searched Eeteuk’s face. Finally, he asked quietly, “Why are you doing this? If Sungmin knew… don’t you realize how hurt he’d be?”

“I do… and… and I don’t want to, the last thing I want is to hurt Sungmin. And yet…” Eeteuk looked away but his hand gripped Kangin’s tighter, “And yet I can’t let you go. I’m not doing this to hurt Sungmin… I’m doing this to be with you again.”

Kangin tugged on his hand, quietly asking Eeteuk to let him go. Eeteuk looked at him again for a pregnant pause. Finally, he released his hold as the door Kangin had been pushed up against opened.

“Tomorrow,” Eeteuk whispered before retreating to the living room.

…

Sungmin sat on Heechul’s bed as his hyung sat before him on a chair. He wasn’t sure how long ago it was that they retreated there, but it had happened before the other members had finished their dinners. Beyond the bedroom door, they could hear the muffled noise from the movie the others had begun to watch.

Sungmin felt exhausted. His body felt as heavy as lead while he couldn’t even feel his heart. His eyes felt burned and rubbed raw while his throat was dry and sore. He didn’t think he could cry another tear.

Suddenly, a thud against the door pulled the two from their silent getaway. Sungmin felt drawn towards the door. He leapt towards it, his hands on the door handle. He began to turn it when Heechul’s hand covered his, stopping him. He looked up at Heechul who used his free hand to press against the door, keeping it closed. Heechul returned his gaze, a simple challenge in them. Just listen.

“Eeteuk, I’m with Sungmin now,” Kangin’s voice drifted through the wooden door.

Sungmin felt his heart jolt at the words.

“Then tell me you don’t love me anymore. Tell me that and I’ll leave you alone. I’ll walk away and never mention it again,” Eeteuk’s voice said then, “But if you do still love me, then don’t walk away from me… don’t walk away from love…” There was a silent pause, and then: “Don’t make the same mistake I did.”

Sungmin felt his heart beat, but it pained him almost as if a dagger were thrust through the muscle and with each pump, the jagged edges drove deeper into him. He heard Kangin push away from the door and on some elementary level, he wanted to rejoice. Kangin was walking away. Then, as he pressed his forehead against the wood, he realized something that Eeteuk voiced then,

“You didn’t answer.”

“I know,” came Kangin’s reply.

What did that mean? Sungmin thought wildly. What could it mean? All he knew was that his body instinctively didn’t like it. He felt as if a cold wind swept over his body as that dagger twisted into him more and more.

“Tomorrow… at midnight… Tomorrow I’ll be up on the roof. If you don’t show up, then I’ll know you no longer love me and I swear that Sungmin will never know about this while wishing you and Sungmin all the best. But if you do come, then I’ll know you do love me, at least a little and I promise I’ll no longer hold back what I feel for you,” Eeteuk declaration came through the door.

Silence again until Kangin asked, “Why are you doing this? If Sungmin knew… don’t you realize how hurt he’d be?”

“I do… and… and I don’t want to, the last thing I want is to hurt Sungmin. And yet… And yet I can’t let you go. I’m not doing this to hurt Sungmin… I’m doing this to be with you again.” Eeteuk’s pained reply was heard.

Silence met the reply and Sungmin couldn’t handle it anymore. He couldn’t remain idle anymore. All his life he had been the nice guy, but this time he refused that role. He refused to stand by and allow someone come and take his love from him, even if that someone was a friend. This time, when he turned the doorknob, Heechul didn’t stop him and even moved away from the door.

“Tomorrow,” Sungmin heard Eeteuk’s quick whisper before the leader slipped back towards the living room.

He stood there silently, the door opened just enough to show himself. As if feeling his gaze, Kangin turned around slowly, his eyes immediately meeting Sungmin’s. They widened slightly in realization before they clouded over with so many emotions, Sungmin couldn’t tell them apart.

“You heard…” was all Kangin managed, his voice quiet, barely audible against the movie playing in the background.

Sungmin felt Heechul’s presence behind him. It comforted him and warmed him and gave him a strength he hadn’t realized was still there. Taking a deep, steadying breath, Sungmin stepped into the hallway, the door closing behind him without him having to pull it.

“Tomorrow at midnight…” Sungmin locked his gaze with Kangin’s. His body wanted to move towards him, hold him tight and never let go. His voice wanted to beg him to not leave him. His heart wanted… “Where will you be?”

Kangin opened his mouth to reply, but found himself unable. He wanted to answer, wanted to tell Sungmin his answer. However, his body rebelled while his mind struggle to find the words; his heart was caught in the crossfire.

As if knowing the storm brewing in Kangin, Sungmin took a step so he was abreast with Kangin instead of facing him. He focused his eyes straight ahead while he knew Kangin turned to face him completely, “I think I’m going to stay at my parents’ house tonight.” He glanced at Kangin from the corner of his eye before forcing himself to look away, “In case… in case you were wondering where I’ll be tomorrow at midnight.”

Sungmin swiftly left the dorm before Kangin could say more. He was in the elevator, waiting for the doors to slide close when Kangin intercepted them, his hand covering the opening where the doors slid from,

“Why don’t you ask me to not go? Why don’t you tell me to come to you tomorrow night?” Kangin asked, his voice and expression pained. “Why don’t you grab me and tell me that it’s you I should be finding at midnight?”

Sungmin, whose eyes had widened at Kangin’s sudden appearance, suddenly stared at him with calm, dark eyes, “Because I already grabbed onto you once. I held onto you with all my might and silently begged you not to leave me… to stay with me. But I shouldn’t have to do that, Kangin. I shouldn’t have to convince you to stay with me.” He laughed hollowly as his gaze moved past Kangin, refusing to look at him as his eyes narrowed with bitterness, “I will fight for you, never think otherwise… but at the same time, I shouldn’t have to fight.” Finally, he looked back at Kangin, his expression collected once more as he raised a hand and flattened it against Kangin‘s chest; “I shouldn’t be the only one struggling to keep us together,” he said simply before lightly pushing Kangin away.

“Whatever you choose… I love you, Youngwoon.” He lowered his hand as the doors slid shut.

…

The next evening, it was cold as Eeteuk stood on the roof. He gazed past the roof’s fences towards the quieting city. The sky was clear, a sheet of dark blue velvet dotted with sparkling diamonds and a full, round moon. The moon cast a silvery light upon everything, including Eeteuk and the person who stepped out onto the roof.

He turned around, smiling as Kangin approached him, stopping just a metre away. “You came,” Eeteuk said, the relief evident in his tone and expression. As his eyes looked at Kangin’s, he realized something was very wrong. “What… what is it?”

Kangin regarded him another moment before giving him a small smile, “I came to say goodbye.”

“Are… where are you going?” Eeteuk asked, his heart suddenly beating very fast.

“I’m not saying goodbye to you… I’m…” He took a deep breath, “I’m saying goodbye to us.”

“Kangin-”

“Please… just let me talk,” Kangin insisted. Eeteuk searched his face before finally nodding. “When you told me that you love me, I can’t deny how happy I felt. I can’t deny that my heart skipped a beat. Eeteuk, you were the centre of my universe, you were the love of my life. To hear those words from you made me so happy.”

“Then… why are you saying goodbye?” Eeteuk asked, not caring that his words came out forced and hoarse.

“Because… while your words made me happy, they also made me realize that our time had passed,” Kangin said. He saw the tears slip down Eeteuk’s face and he immediately closed the distance. He cradled Eeteuk’s face, his thumbs brushing away the tears, “We had our moment Eeteuk, and it was wonderful, despite how short it was…” He held Eeteuk’s gaze as the moment stretched into eternity.

Eeteuk could feel his heart constricting painfully. He wanted to rip Kangin’s hands from him and at the same time, hold those hands there forever. He wanted to walk away, storm off and at the same time, he wanted to stay in that moment forever. His mind flashed with memories of when he had broken up with Kangin and his heart ached. For a moment, he felt he knew what Kangin had felt those months ago but, as the seconds passed with him gazing into Kangin’s eyes, somehow he just knew. He knew that his pain still did not equal Kangin’s; probably would never equal the pain he gave.

“You were my first love,” Kangin admitted quietly, his hands still and firm on his cheeks, “And on some level, I will always… always… love you.” Eeteuk failed to stifle a cry but when he tried to pull away, Kangin only held him more, “No, it’s true,” he insisted as Eeteuk’s tears flowed freely, “It’s true.” He leaned in and pressed his lips against Eeteuk’s forehead, “I will always love you, Jungsu,” he murmured.

Then, as quick as it happened, it ended and Kangin pulled away, his hands dropping from his face, “But I am no longer in love with you.” He took a step back and somehow, both of them could physically feel the space widen between them. Kangin smiled at him sadly, “And that’s why I have to say goodbye to us. That’s why I can say goodbye to us… finally.”

Eeteuk searched Kangin’s face then; searched his eyes. He turned away and then looked up at the sky, the moon’s lines blurry from his tears. His heart was still racing, but it no longer pained him as before. He allowed his tears to run their course, knowing that drying them would be pointless at that point.

“He’s lucky to have your love,” Eeteuk heard himself saying. Where he found the strength for his words, even he didn’t know.

“I’m lucky to have his,” Kangin replied quietly, tentatively, not wanting to hurt his hyung more. “Are… are you going to be okay?”

Eeteuk looked over his shoulder at him, not caring that his face was streaked with tears, his eyes unbearably red; “Yes. What I’m feeling right now doesn’t even come close to what I put you through four months ago. You’re okay… so, surely… I’ll be okay too.”

“Regardless of what happened between us… I would never wish you pain,” Kangin insisted, his eyes narrowed with concern.

Eeteuk found himself laughing softly as he turned his face back to the night sky. “I know,” he replied. A moment passed, and then he added, “Thank you.”

He stood there silently, just gazing up at the stars. He heard Kangin move behind him, heard him hesitate and then quietly leave. The wind embraced him, drying his tears. The minutes passed by before Eeteuk walked towards the fence surrounding the roof’s perimeter. He gazed down at the street below and saw a shadow pass from out of the building. Knowingly, Eeteuk followed the shadow until he couldn’t see it anymore. He leaned his forehead against the cool metal of the fence’s crossing wires. He felt the last of his strength leave him as he fell to his knees as he breathed, “I’m sorry.”

…

Kangin walked for what seemed like forever. At some point, he found himself outside of Sungmin’s parents house and he was gazing up at the dark window he knew to be Sungmin’s. He had the urge to grab a small rock or pebble and toss it at the window. Had some romantic thoughts of Sungmin coming to the window and smiling down at him. He glanced at the car in the driveway and knew none of that could happen or else he incur Sungmin’s parents’ wrath.

So, Kangin headed home. He walked steadily, surely as his thoughts were clearer than they had ever been his entire life. The night calmed him and the wind cooled him. His heart beat strongly, confidently as he replayed what happened on the roof in his mind. He was glad - but unsurprised - to feel no regrets. When he reached his house, he stopped at the cement path that led from the sidewalk to his front porch.

Sungmin sat on the porch’s steps, his arms wrapped about himself, hugging tightly to stay warm. As if sensing a change around him, Sungmin looked up and their eyes instinctively found one another. Kangin quickly closed the distance between them as Sungmin slowly rose. He stood on a small step above the ground, so that their eyes were levelled.

Kangin said nothing, could say nothing. Instead, he wrapped his arms around Sungmin, pulling him fiercely against him. He held him tightly and for once, finally, his mind and body and, yes, even his heart were one as he knew that he was home. He felt Sungmin’s warmth envelope him, encase him totally and thoroughly.

Finally, Sungmin pulled his arms from between there bodies and hugged Kangin back. Kangin closed his eyes as his body was swept with a calm he could only feel from Sungmin’s love. Yes, Kangin could only describe his love as water. It filled his body, surrounded it and made it feel light. It flowed through Sungmin, through himself and between them. It could be powerful or calming while always surrounding them both.

“I… couldn’t sleep… not while knowing…,” Sungmin said, his face turned and nuzzling Kangin’s cheek. “It’s way past midnight.”

“It’s midnight somewhere in the world,” Kangin replied before quickly amending, “I should’ve been here to find you sooner.” He took three calming breaths before stating, “I never stopped loving you Sungmin… what happened… it wasn’t because I didn’t love you.”

“I know,” Sungmin managed, “But… it wasn’t because you didn’t love Eeteuk either.”

“That’s true,” Kangin admitted. He felt Sungmin stiffen in his arms and quickly explained, “But not like that… not like this… I loved Eeteuk, that is for certain. But how I loved him then is different from how I love him now.” He raised a hand to Sungmin’s face, holding his chin between thumb and forefinger, “How I love him now is different from how I love you now. I love Eeteuk, but I could say that about any of the other members.”

“How… how can you be sure?” Sungmin challenged him, his voice wavering as he shook in Kangin’s embrace,

“The only way I can describe our love… is that it’s like water,” Kangin stated quietly, firmly, “It has varying levels of intensity, but it is always pure, always clear, always true. When I lost Eeteuk, it broke my heart. But if I lost you, it would kill my heart. It would kill my soul, my body - everything. I wouldn’t be able to go on living without water, just like how I would not - could not - continue living with you, Sungmin.”

Kangin leaned in and pressed his lips against a tear that slowly slid down Sungmin’s cold cheek, “I love you… I am in love with you, Sungmin.” He brought his lips to Sungmin’s other cheek as another tear broke free from his wet lashes, “I believe that everyone is fated to love.” He brushed his lips against the corner of both of Sungmin’s eyes that were brimming with hot, thick tears, “And I am fated to love you.”

Sungmin gazed at him through the tears, “You’re back.”

“You brought me back again,” Kangin stated honestly.

Sungmin felt his eyes slide close as Kangin brought his lips to his own. He relished in the warmth that surrounded them against the cold wind, the strength of Kangin’s arms and love that held him securely bound. He held him back even tighter, wanting to give as much love as he felt lavished upon him at that moment beneath the night sky.

In that moment, nothing existed except just the two of them. Just them in each others’ arms, loving each other as Kangin whispered into their kiss:

“Only you can ever bring me back.”

[spin] Fated to Break

words: 5451
rate: NC17
(Part of the Fated series.)


“I love Kangin…”

It had been a month since Eeteuk had finally realized that sentiment. Super Junior was finish with their promotions for the year, concentrating on their individual activities and plans for their next album. The tension which had been in the group for a period of three months had finally lessened - and then died - in the month following Eeteuk’s realization.

The unease within the group had been started when Eeteuk had brutally broken up with Kangin during a dance practice. The three months that followed that incident were filled with changes that no one could have predicted. Kangin, who had grown quite introverted after the incident, had begun to develop feelings for another member. That member had been the first to comfort him, to always be there for him, to never allow Kangin to push him away. That member was Sungmin.

Simultaneously, Eeteuk had grown pensive. He would still smile and laugh when the occasion called for it. However, all the other times, he would sit there silently, just thinking and - what no one realized - remembering. He remembered the relationship with the girl who had first broken him. He remembered his vow never to allow someone to love him, never to allow himself to love again. He remembered Kangin’s declaration and how he repaid it by breaking Kangin. Without realizing it, Eeteuk had fallen in love with Kangin. Unfortunately, by the time he realized it, Kangin and Sungmin were already together.

It was a day, a month or so after that time, that Eeteuk was sitting in the radio station with Eunhyuk as they hosted Sukira. During one of the breaks, Eeteuk furtively glanced at their guests for that show, Kangin and Sungmin. Sungmin was saying something and Kangin was smiling at him. Eventually, the latter laughed out loud and Eeteuk felt his heart jolt alive at the sound. When Kangin reached out and grabbed Sungmin’s hand, however, he felt his heart drop like a rock once more. He pushed away from the desk and stood up, excusing himself.

He was out in the hallway, hunched over a water fountain. He wasn’t thirsty, but he had to get away. For a month now he had to put up with seeing the two together. What hurt even more was that Kangin had begun to speak to him again, but it was far from the familiarity they once shared. He had realized too late that he loved Kangin.

“You had your chance.”

Eeteuk sputtered as he looked up. Eunhyuk was leaning against the wall beside the fountain. Hands in his pockets, his eyes stared ahead at the opposite wall of the hallway rather than at Eeteuk. Eeteuk straightened and wiped his mouth with the back of his sleeve. He moved back towards the room,

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he stated.

“Maybe… maybe not… but you know I’m right,” Eunhyuk said as he pushed away from the wall and came abreast with Eeteuk.

“Don’t be stupid,” Eeteuk scowled at him, “I broke up with him, remember?”

“Yeah, well… you’d never guess that from how you were watching them just now,” Eunhyuk replied as he reached for the doorknob.

Eeteuk grabbed his wrist, stopping him, “What… what if I told you I had made a mistake?”

“Your mistake had devastated Kangin, hyung… none of us knew if he would bounce back,” Eunhyuk stated simply,

“You don’t think I know that?” Eeteuk hissed before he sighed and released Eunhyuk’s wrist, “I… I realized too late, Eunhyuk.”

Eunhyuk gripped the doorknob for a moment before replying, “Make sure Kangin never finds out.”

“Why not?” Eeteuk demanded,

“Because for the first time since it happened, Kangin-hyung actually looks happy again. We don’t know how Sungmin did it, but he kept hyung afloat. If you told him your feelings… it might make him sink again,” Eunhyuk said steadily as he slowly turned the knob, “I know this is hard for you, but you can’t tell him, hyung. Kangin doesn’t deserve to be hurt again… and you don’t deserve Kangin.”

With Eunhyuk’s words fresh in his mind, Eeteuk stood there, frozen, as Eunhyuk pushed the door open and went in ahead of him.

…

As Kangin’s hand slipped away from Sungmin’s, he sat forward again as Eunhyuk re-entered the studio to continue the radio show. As he was pulling his headphones back on, Eeteuk entered the room, the door closing behind him with a barely-audible click. He tilted his head towards the papers before him on the desk, but his eyes subtly followed Eeteuk.

Something was off with the leader, that much Kangin knew. After being his best friend for years, after being intimate with him for a brief time, it was hard for Kangin not to know Eeteuk. As his friend, he knew Eeteuk’s habits, his mannerisms and his tone of voice. As his lover, Kangin knew how Eeteuk moved, what it took to make him scream and what that scream sounded like. He swallowed hard as the words before him blurred on the page. He slightly shook his head, dispelling the thoughts and memories of a time long past.

…

Sungmin pressed his back against the window, the cool of the glass seeping through his shirt as he heard the shades bend behind him. He gripped the window sill tightly as he tried to keep himself from slipping off. Then again, it would be hard to slip off with his bare legs hooked over Kangin’s shoulders as he knelt before Sungmin. He bit down on his lip hard as Kangin began to suck on him. With his hands gripping Sungmin’s thighs, Kangin moved his head up and down on Sungmin as he let his mouth do the work. His tongue swished and swirled about Sungmin as his lips massaged. He tasted salty and what he could only define as Sungmin.

Sungmin felt as if he were on fire. His hands felt weak, even though his knuckles whitened from their tight grip on the wooden frame. His lungs laboured for air while he tried to stifle his cries. He felt a pressure building, located right where Kangin’s mouth was driving him crazy. At first he was doing all he could to remain seated on Kangin’s bedroom window sill. Now, he could feel his hips lift instinctively, pressing further into Kangin’s hot mouth. He gripped the window sill tighter, only to stop himself from grabbing Kangin’s head to drive himself harder between his sinful lips.

“K-Kangin,” Sungmin murmured, his head thrown back against the cool glass, praying that no one would look up at the window, despite them being shrouded in darkness and the shades drawn.

“Hmm?” He replied absent-mindedly as he released Sungmin from his mouth, only to lazily draw his tongue along his full, hardened length.

“B-bed,” he practically whimpered.

Kangin carefully stood up, Sungmin’s legs unhooking from his shoulders, coming to rest on his hips. Kangin reached for Sungmin’s backside, hoisting him from the sill. His hands gripped Sungmin’s bottom firmly, as he turned towards his bed. With a barely-swallowed yelp, Sungmin gripped Kangin’s shoulders tightly, not caring at all for his precarious position as Kangin walked them over to the bed. Instead of being thrown on the bed as he half expected, or feeling himself fall backwards onto the mattress with Kangin as his other half expected, Sungmin found himself sitting astride Kangin as he sat on the edge of the bed.

Before Sungmin could protest, Kangin locked their lips. He kissed him hard and demandingly, not waiting for an invitation before his tongue probed into Sungmin’s mouth. His tongue teased and tasted Sungmin as his hands never left Sungmin’s backside, keeping him firmly flush against his own lower half. His teeth playfully nipped on Sungmin’s bottom lip, his tongue traced it before he gently sucked on it. He felt Sungmin try to pull back and break the kiss. He raised one hand to the nape of his neck and held his head captive. He angled his lips more over Sungmin’s and deepened the kiss even more, his tongue sweeping in once more.

Sungmin tasted himself on Kangin’s tongue, mixed with the flavour he knew to be Kangin’s natural taste. Soon, he felt his hands which had at one point been griping Kangin’s shoulders soon loosen their grip. Then, instinctively, his hands slid so his arms surrounded his hyung’s shoulders, embracing him. He felt Kangin’s tongue teasing his own the way his mouth had been teasing a different part of his anatomy just moments ago. That beloved appendage of his throbbed mercilessly, none too pleased to have been abandoned.

As if reading his mind, Kangin held him more firmly against him. Sungmin gasped into his mouth as he felt his lower body - his very naked lower body - come in contact with the roughness of Kangin’s jeans. He tried to move his head away again, but Kangin’s damn hand held his head still. Kangin grinded his hips again and Sungmin shivered all over. Kangin had been working on him for what seemed like eternity, never allowing him to reach completion. Oh, he skirted the boundaries and dipped a toe into the waters, but he was never allowed to break free and plunge into their refreshing waves.

“K-Kangin… I… I want you,” Sungmin panted as he was finally free of their kiss, his forehead leaning against Kangin’s.

“I know,” Kangin’s own voice was gruff and hoarse as he held the other tightly, possessively as he ground into him harder and harder, his own arousal straining painfully against his jeans.

“Then fuck me already,” Sungmin managed before he bit down on a groan.

“Not until you cum-” Kangin began.

Sungmin gripped his face between his hands, forcing him to look at him, “Do. Not. Fuck. Around. With. Me,” He practically growled, “Just. Fuck. Me.”

Kangin couldn’t help the smug smirk that tugged at the corners of his lips. In a flash he had their positions reversed, Sungmin on the mattress and him on all fours above Sungmin. His forearms planted on the bed on either side of Sungmin’s head, he leaned down to brush his lips against the other’s, “As you wish,” he whispered.

His knees astride Sungmin, he knelt and with a tap on the younger man’s hip, directed him to roll onto his stomach. Kangin readjusted himself, coming between Sungmin’s legs as he undid his belt and jeans. He knew what Sungmin wanted. He had been working the younger man too long to take things slow and easy. No, what Sungmin wanted was to have it fast and hard and Kangin wasn’t the least bit reluctant to give it to him as thus.

He shoved his jeans and drawers to his knees then reached down, his hands on Sungmin’s hips. Immediately, Sungmin got up on hands and knees, his fingers gripping the blanket beneath him. He gritted his teeth, preparing himself for what was to come. Kangin entered him in one strong stroke. Sungmin threw his head back as he only managed to stifle a fraction of his groan. He dipped his back to bring his hips closer to Kangin.

Kangin gripped his hips firmly and began to move. He drove into Sungmin again and again, relentlessly, mercilessly as he barely kept his own moans in check. He felt Sungmin moving his hips against his, meeting his every thrust as best he could. From the moment he pulled Sungmin into his room earlier that evening, Kangin had been hard. When he had been sucking Sungmin off, he had grown even harder. Now that he was in Sungmin, feeling himself wrapped in hot wetness, he was harder than he ever been his entire life.

Sungmin gripped the sheets tightly as Kangin pounded into him. Eventually he lowered onto his forearms, his face pressed into the mattress, his teeth clamped down on the blankets as he muffled his screams. Kangin held his hips tightly, but his entire body was moving in conjunction with Kangin’s thrusts. He felt the bed beneath him shifting with the force of their joining and, had Kangin’s parents been home, he was sure they would hear tell-tale thumps of the bed against the wall.

It wasn’t just Kangin’s thrusts that was driving him to sheer madness. Oh, that was a big part of it, but the other part was that he was still damned hard from earlier. It throbbed and twitched for attention. It ached and itched to be touched and, had he the ability to service himself, Sungmin would’ve done so. He was about to yell against the mattress when he felt fingers wrap around him firmly. He practically sighed - or screamed - with pleasure when Kangin began to stroke him too.

Kangin knew Sungmin was close. He had been close all night, but Kangin had kept him at bay. Now, however, there was no stopping Sungmin and he didn’t try. He heard Sungmin’s panting between his moans and grunts. He felt Sungmin’s hip shaking beneath his hand and felt Sungmin pulsate in his other hand like a fruit ready to burst. He tightened his hand slightly around Sungmin and with a powerful thrust, pushed the younger man over the edge.

Sungmin felt wave after wave wash over him as he shuddered and shivered with completion. Kangin released him as he did, but then felt himself sandwiched between the bed and Kangin’s hard body. Kangin planted his hands on the mattress on either side of Sungmin’s shoulders as he thrust into him harder and faster. Sungmin still shook beneath him, his arousal spilling onto the blanket as he felt the blankets rub against him more and more and more still. The pressure against the blankets milked him, caused the vibrations of his release to continue after there wasn’t a drop left.

“Min… I… I…” He swallowed the two words that wanted to follow. Kangin curved over his smaller body, his forehead pressed between Sungmin’s shoulder blades as he felt Sungmin’s muscles clench around him. Sungmin’s ebbing release drew out Kangin’s completion. He groaned Sungmin’s name and thrust each time a hot-white wave swept over his body. He poured himself into Sungmin and pumped himself with the other’s body until he no longer had strength.

After the final ripples of their climaxes had dissipated, after they had wiped themselves off with the ruined blanket and tossed it into the corner of the room, after they had divested themselves completely, they lay on Kangin’s bed, atop the sheets. Naked and in each other’s arms, they lay there in the afterglow, their bodies humming in sweet surrender as they were surrounded by the thick musk of sex.

“I should shower and leave before your parents come home,” Sungmin said after a moment.

“The won’t be back from their work party for at least another hour,” Kangin murmured, his lips against the other’s cheek,

“Plenty of time to shower and leave,” Sungmin replied as he slowly sat up,

“How do you have the strength to move?” Kangin asked as he reluctantly sat up.

“Hmm… you’re right,” Sungmin mused as he stretched his arms towards the ceiling like a cat who had its milk, “You should piggyback me back to the dorm.”

“I have another suggestion,” Kangin practically growled as he pinned Sungmin down against the mattress again.

Before he even realized it, Kangin found himself face-down on the mattress, Sungmin’s hand against his lower back, “You forget… I know martial arts,” Sungmin teased playfully before scooting off the bed and looking for his strewn clothes.

“Oh, trust me, I never forget that,” Kangin insisted as he turned onto his back, pushing himself into a sitting position. His eyes followed Sungmin’s naked form move about the room, “You and martial arts? Talk about damn sexy.”

Sungmin stilled for the briefest of moments. Feeling his cheeks - his entire body, actually - heat with a blush, he continued picking up his clothes as he scowled at Kangin to help him.

…

Later that evening, Sungmin entered the apartment building feeling content. Impossibly sore, but thoroughly content. He caught sight of the elevator doors beginning to close and dashed over, sliding a hand between the metal, causing them to open again. He slipped in to find Eeteuk within,

“Hey hyung.”

“Hey,” Eeteuk forced a smile. When had it become awkward around his loving dongsaeng? One month ago, he answered himself almost immediately. It was when he realized that this dongsaeng was definitely loving, especially to another person whom Eeteuk also happened to love. “So where’ve you been off to?” He asked casually, even though he knew after Sukira, Sungmin and Kangin had left together.

“Ah, Kangin-hyung’s house,” Sungmin answered easily, not sensing the edginess in his friend, “You know hyung, I always knew you and Kangin had broken up for your own reasons… and I never took sides on the matter, but I had a feeling I needed to stay by Kangin’s. If you needed someone to support you…”

Eeteuk locked eyes with his dongsaeng. They were wide with silent questioning and shinning innocently. Sungmin was always kind-hearted and Eeteuk knew Sungmin saw the good in everyone; he’d hardly suspect the dark emotions churning within the Super Junior leader the past month. Such inhibited warmth, unbiased affection… Eeteuk had no doubts as to why Kangin would fall for Sungmin after his cruel treatment.

“No… I was the one to do the damage,” Eeteuk relented, “I had no right for someone’s support.”

“Still…” Sungmin looked at him, unconvinced, “Well, you’re Kangin’s best friend and-”

“I am?” Eeteuk blinked, “Still?”

“Of course,” Sungmin replied as if everyone knew. Eeteuk certainly didn’t. “And as thus, I thought you should be first to know… I think Kangin’s good again. I… I’m not trying to boast, I’m just saying… I don’t think anyone has to worry about him anymore.”

Eeteuk felt his heart twist. He wanted to be the one delivering such news. He didn’t want to be first to know, but the one who witnessed it. He wanted to tell others not to worry because only he could worry about Kangin. He wanted all of this and yet…

You don’t deserve Kangin.

He was the one who caused it all.

Eeteuk looked at Sungmin’s expectant eyes and somehow found the strength to smile. He tried to push the pain from his mind as he felt his lips form words. He forced them out against all will, “He’s lucky to have you, Sungmin-sshi.”

But you’re more lucky to have him, Eeteuk thought as the elevator doors slid open and Sungmin left. As the doors slid shut and the elevator headed to one floor above, Eeteuk let out the breath he had been holding that entire time. When he got out of the elevator, he collapsed weakly against the corridor wall. All his strength was being used to hold his newly-resurrected heart together.

…

Kangin sighed heavily as he looked over the top of the book he was reading. It was a few days later when he was sitting in a booth in a small café with Sungmin. The other sat across from him, sideways on the bench, his back against the wall. Sungmin had one arm lying on the table, holding a pencil as he thought of lyrics for their next album. Periodically he’d reach for his coffee mug and take a small sip before putting it down again, eyes narrowed slightly as he wrote a few words.

It was these quiet moments when Kangin felt the most peace. Matching his breathing with the subtle rise and fall of Sungmin’s chest, he furtively watched the younger man doing his work. After Eeteuk had broken up with him, he had felt lost, confused, thrown into the darkness. All that time, even when he could feel nothing but emptiness, Sungmin had been by his side. Sungmin had given him direction, talked him through it, and pulled him back into the light. Somewhere along the way, his deep gratitude for his dongsaeng changed into affection and that affection had changed into…

He blinked when Sungmin looked at him and caught his eye. He lowered the book to the table as Sungmin smiled at him warmly. That smile had brightened many days for Kangin. It had endured a thousand storms for him. It had made him hope again, feel warmth again, live again. He felt a fire blossom in his chest, but instead of burning him, it warmed his body like a mug of hot chocolate on a winter night. He felt it whenever Sungmin smiled or talked or just looked at him. As Sungmin returned to his work, Kangin acknowledged how precious Sungmin’s smile was to him now.

Suddenly, he wanted to tell him. He wanted to tell Sungmin, to hold him. He wanted to touch him, feel him, relish in the warmth he felt when Sungmin was near. He glanced around the near-empty café and silently rose from his seat in the booth and came around to Sungmin’s side. He made simple, inconsequential comments about the lyrics Sungmin was writing and then continued to read his book, remaining on the same bench as Sungmin.

Sungmin blinked, confused at the sudden switch of position. Shaking his head slightly, he returned back to his notes. He had barely begun to write again when his other hand felt a touch. He quickly glanced down to where his hand rested on the bench. Kangin’s closest hand had roamed over the small distance between them. That firm hand closed over his and held it firmly, securely.

Sungmin looked up at him, silently questioning him. However, Kangin didn’t pay him any heed, just continued to read. He felt the light squeeze of Kangin’s hand. Suddenly understanding his hyung’s want of just this simple skin ship, he smiled a small, private smile before turning back to his lyrics.

He decided to write a love song.

…

He couldn’t sleep. Actually, if he were to be completely honest, he hadn’t had a good night’s rest in a month. Eeteuk slipped from his bed and tiptoed from the room he shared with Donghae. Restless but not wanting to wake up the others, he walked through the dark dorm, escaping into the cool night air. Arms crossed on the railing, he tilted his face up to the soft glow of moon and stars partially covered by a thin blanket of clouds.

As a gentle wind embraced him, nothing chilled him more than his memories. Now more than ever, they plagued him. They filled his thoughts until he was drenched in guilt and regret. They pressed against his heart, weighing it down like lead in his chest. They surrounded him, engulfed him, consumed him until he was nothing but a shell with a broken heart.

“You’re full of bullshit, I hope you know that.

Kangin’s angry words rang in his ears as if he had just said them. They stabbed at him like little spikes, burned him like little flames until the pain that was just memories became physical and he couldn’t alleviate it.

“And I don’t give a shit what you say because damn it, I love you - why? I can’t even say right now, but I do.”

Such words were thrown with such anger. However, they still held the passion they eluded to. They were still said with love - pained, yes, but still love.

“And I’ll keep loving you no matter what the fuck you say!”

Bitterness and pain and fury laced those words Kangin had yelled. However, the memory of them still warmed Eeteuk. Despite the circumstances, it was still a declaration. He had still said ‘I love you’ and Eeteuk held onto that fact, no matter how transparent of a thing it was now.

He sighed heavily as he let his lids shut. He wished he could have realized his feelings sooner. He wished he could go back. He wished he could be with Kangin again. He wished he could break them up without hurting Sungmin and putting Super Junior in jeopardy. He wished so many things, but none of them amounted to his wish to have never hurt Kangin as he did. He had done it deliberately to push Kangin away to, essentially and ironically, protect him.

“If you can’t sleep, you could always slip into my bed.”

Eeteuk didn’t even bat an eyelash at the voice. He sighed heavily, “Go away Heechul.”

“Now, now… is that any way to talk to your ex-lover?” He inquired, his voice low and husky and suggestive as the last word rolled off his tongue and came out completely greasy.

Eeteuk finally opened his eyes and glanced at him, “We never slept together.”

“And finding you out here shows how much you regret that,” Heechul sighed mockingly as he faced Eeteuk, leaning his side against the balcony railing, “Night after night for the past month… coming out here and pining for Kim Heechul.” He fisted a hand and held it against his own heart, his face contorted in some kind of pain, “I’m sorry you had to be one of the broken hearts I leave behind me, Eeteuk… but if you want, I can let you in for one night,” he spread his arms open, “Come to me, Eeteuk.”

“Dear God why did I ever go out with you?” Eeteuk questioned flatly as he turned his gaze back to the overcast sky,

Heechul chuckled softly, “You know, that’s the closest I’ve seen the old Eeteuk.”

“Eh?” Eeteuk asked absent-mindedly,

“The old Eeteuk. The guy who used to live here before Kangin hooked up with Sungmin, before he broke Kangin’s heart… he died… oh, about a month ago. But he started dying before then,” Heechul said blithely as he turned to face the quiet city, his hands gripping the cool, metal railing loosely, “The old Eeteuk was a pretty good friend and - don’t tell him I told you - he made a pretty good leader too.”

Eeteuk sighed as he turned away, leaning his back against the railing, “Thanks…”

“Still in love with Kangin, huh?” Heechul asked. This time, however, his voice was quieter, softer, that of a friend who had sympathized with Eeteuk’s pain from when this all began a month earlier. When Eeteuk said nothing, Heechul continued on, “You had your chance with him already.”

The words were ruthless and painful. The words were true. Out of all the members, Eeteuk could always count on Heechul to give him the unadulterated, unabridged, and raw truth. He wouldn’t sugar-coat anything because he didn’t believe in false hopes. And as much as healthy the truth was, Eeteuk knew its blinding pain, too. He had always appreciated Heechul’s pure honesty, but this time, he was hoping for some false hopes. Something to make it easier.

He had to do something. Something to stop all of this. Something to alleviate the pain. Something to make all the guilt and regrets go away.

“So I’ll just wait for you to come to your senses and when you do, give me a fucking call.”

The words echoed in his mind. The floated and drifted, branding into his memory. With a deep, steadying breath, Eeteuk pushed away from the railing and reached for the sliding door.

“Hyung…” Heechul’s voice was barely above a whisper.

“Yes?” Eeteuk asked quietly, hesitantly as his hand froze on the door handle.

“Doesn’t Kangin look happy again.” There was no question at the end of his words. He simply stated it, made it rhetoric, practically forced Eeteuk into a corner; forced him to agree.

Eeteuk said nothing, could say nothing. Instead, he did what he did best and escaped.

…

It had been a good night. Sungmin had finished his song and afterwards, they had caught a movie. In the darkness of the theatre, Kangin was happy he was able to hold Sungmin’s hand. Even the little bit of contact had made his heart swell. Afterwards, they had gone back to his place and Kangin had made them a simple dinner since his parents were gone for the weekend to the country to visit relatives.

They had sat in the kitchen and ate. They had talked and laughed and all the while, Kangin felt his heart grow fuller, yet lighter at the same time. He could no longer help but smile when he was around Sungmin. Lately, he had begun to forget his darker days, to forget the pain he thought he’d never be free from. But Sungmin had done just that. Sungmin had been his friend, his confidant, his saviour. Now Sungmin was his boyfriend, his lover, his…

After dinner, they had begun to watch another movie and soon, they couldn’t finish the movie. There was kissing and hands everywhere and eventually they made their way up to Kangin’s room. That had been a few hours earlier and now they lay in his bed, Kangin’s cleaned blankets lying atop them. He lay there contently with Sungmin curled against him, his head pillowed on Kangin’s bicep.

Kangin couldn’t sleep, so he just watched Sungmin sleeping. His eyes traced the line of his jaw and the slight pout of his lips. His eyes swept over his face and the way his hair fell across his forehead. He peered at Sungmin’s soft lashes and the way they still managed to make tiny shadows on his cheeks even though the moon was partially covered outside.

In his sleep, Sungmin moved to turn his head away, but Kangin stopped it with his free hand. Gently, he cupped the side of his face and turned it back to face him. Softly, ever so softly, he brushed the backs of his fingers along Sungmin’s cheek, his skin smooth and soft.

Kangin brought his face closer. He could hear the even, shallow breathing that denoted Sungmin’s sleeping state. He could feel the small, soft puffs of air against his skin as he leaned closer to his sleeping dongsaeng. Never before had he felt such peace and contentment.

Slowly. Softly. Slowly. Softly.

He feathered a kiss against Sungmin’s forehead. He inhaled deeply the smell that was Sungmin and sweat and sex. He closed his eyes as his senses were completely aware and just… complete. Of happiness. Of serenity. Of Sungmin. Of Love.

Without removing his lips, he gently murmured, “I am in love with you Lee Sungmin.”

Time seemed to still in that moment. It was ridiculous, Kangin knew, because Sungmin wouldn’t reply, he was sleeping, practically dead to the world at that moment. He heard Sungmin snore softly and Kangin smiled against his forehead,

“I’ll take that as a reply,” he whispered before drawing back.

He had just begun to close his eyes when he heard a distinct but soft rumbling. Without moving Sungmin, he looked around as best he could in the room. Across, on his desk, Kangin saw his cellular phone vibrating against the wooden table. Knowing it was probably his parents, Kangin sighed heavily. Carefully, he dislodged his arm from underneath Sungmin’s head. He rolled out of the bed slowly, trying not to make the mattress dip too much.

Swinging his feet to the ground and stretching as he stood, Kangin slowly padded over to his phone. Without so much as a look at the exterior screen, he opened his phone, “Hello?”

“Kangin?”

“E-E-Eeteuk?” Kangin stammered. He cleared his throat and was glad his voice wasn’t shaking when he said, “It’s pretty late, hyung.”

“I know…”

There was a long pause that ensued. Kangin stood there, barely breathing as he held the phone carefully to his ear. His eyes were glued on Sungmin, watching him, a paranoid feeling creeping over him as he talked on the phone. But… why was he feeling that way? He was just talking on the phone… wasn’t he? When the silence became to much, Kangin opened his mouth to speak again.

Eeteuk beat him, however, “You told me… you told me to give you a call when I came to my senses.”

Kangin blinked in the darkness. The words were certainly familiar but when had he… slowly, excruciatingly so, the words began to fall into place in his memory. They were beginning to register and the memory that accompanied those words brought with it many things he had pushed away some time ago. Now, he wasn’t breathing at all. He stood there like a statue, his lungs still, his heart - somehow - beating. Kangin forced air into his body, struggling to suck in a shaky breath. Five heart beats passed before the silence between them was broken.

“I love you, Kangin.”



(For the sequel, Fated to Lose)

[RQ] Fated to Love

For amine87

theme: none specified.
pair: Eeteuk/Kangin; Eeteuk/Heechul
rate: NC17
words: 5447
(Part of the Fated series.)


“But I love you.”

She laughed at the absurdity of his words. Her laugh which had always felt like music to his ears, suddenly felt like a dagger. His chest constricted with pain as she scoffed at his words, flinging away his declaration as if it were merely a pesky bug. He watched silently as she turned around and walked off, placing her hand in that of another boy’s. After three years, he had learned of her consistent infidelity with that boy. After three years, he had learned everything he had, had been all lies.

As he was pushed onto the bed, he remembered what had happened ten years ago. He looked up into the eyes of the one he was with now.

“Heechul…” he began before Heechul leaned down, capturing his lips with his own. He felt Heechul probe into his mouth with his tongue, felt Heechul’s hands all over his body, but that was all he felt. Annoyed, he pushed him off of him, “I think we should break up.”

Heechul gaped at him, startled. He crossed his arms and raised a peculiar eyebrow. “Why Eeteuk-sshi?”

Eeteuk stood up from the bed, straightening his clothes. He ran a hand through his hair as a means to fix whatever strands had gone astray. This was how it had been for the last ten years. He had never stayed with anyone for too long, never even got farther than a few heated kisses.

“I’m bored,” Eeteuk’s answer came out flatly. He realized early on that it was easier to give that excuse rather than the real one, that he could never love them. He had become incapable of that.

Heechul stared at him a moment before getting off the bed and coming around to stand in front of him. Arms crossed still, Heechul stared him in the eye, as if determining the validity of Eeteuk’s answer. After a five-count, Heechul stepped aside to grant him access to the door.

Eeteuk had taken three steps before Heechul grabbed his arm and pulled him back. He cradled Eeteuk’s face with his hands and his lips came down upon Eeteuk’s. Their lips met in a violent meeting and Eeteuk tried to pull away, but Heechul only held onto him tighter. He forced his tongue between Eeteuk’s lips and then it became a delicious duel between their tongues. Suddenly, Heechul let go of him, breaking the kiss.

Running his thumb along his own bottom lip, Heechul sighed, “But damn you’re a good kisser,” and with that, he brushed past Eeteuk and left first. After all, no one left Kim Heechul.

A few weeks passed and, to Eeteuk’s surprise, his friendship with Heechul had not been affected by their brief relationship. He was thankful for it, he had known them being together would affect Super Junior and if breaking up with Heechul so suddenly would end in breaking up Super Junior, he would never forgive him. However, during those few weeks after his split from Heechul, Eeteuk began sensing a change in another relationship he had.

For years he had lived with and been the best of friends with Kangin. However, after the other members found out that he and Heechul had split up, Kangin’s attentions had suddenly become more than that of a friend. For the first time in years, Eeteuk didn’t know how to react. In the past ten years, he had gone out with people who had shown interest, why not? But none of those people had ever been as close to him as Kangin. Heechul was the person who ever came closest.

One evening during dinner as everyone ate in the restaurant, Eeteuk barely touched his food. Instead, he watched Kangin who sat across from him. Eeteuk watched quietly as Kangin bent over his food, eating heartily. Once in awhile, one of the other members would say something or talk to him. Eeteuk studied Kangin’s expressions as he furrowed his eyebrows when he was confused or suspicious or upset. Then something would be said and he would smile brightly, his eyes becoming upside-down crescents.

As if sensing his gaze, Kangin suddenly turned to look at Eeteuk. Their eyes met and Eeteuk found himself unable to look away as if Kangin were physically holding him still. Eeteuk reached for his glass on the table, as if idly holding it. Lightly holding it on the table, Eeteuk slowly stroked his finger up and down the cool glass. Kangin’s eyes followed that finger before meeting Eeteuk’s gaze again; he raised a curious eyebrow. Eeteuk then raised the glass in a silent toast to him before downing the rest of his drink.

Suddenly, Kangin excused himself and retreated to the bathroom. After a five-count, Eeteuk excused himself as well and followed his dongsaeng’s path at leisure. The moment he entered the men’s bathroom, he was pushed back against the door. He heard the door lock just as Kangin’s lips crashed down upon him.

Kangin slipped his hand behind his neck, holding his head firmly against his own. As if on instinct, Eeteuk placed his hands on Kangin’s hips and pulled them towards his own so their bodies were flush with one another. Kangin ran his tongue along Eeteuk’s lips and he opened them, allowing Kangin to deepen the kiss. He tasted Kangin, their tongues dancing with one another and it tasted like nothing before. It was sweet and he found he couldn’t get enough. Kangin broke the kiss and began trailing kisses along his jaw line.

“Say you’re mine,” Kangin’s voice came gruffly in his ear, his lips tickling Eeteuk’s neck,

“Do you… care about… me?” Eeteuk breathed as he began to grind his hips against Kangin’s.

He shivered as Kangin ran his tongue along the column of his neck before pressing his lips against his temple, “Of course, you know I do,”

“That’s all I need,” Eeteuk murmured as Kangin pulled back to look at him quizzically. He reached between them and massaged Kangin through his jeans, “I’m yours.”

With a growl low in his throat, Kangin pushed himself away from Eeteuk and unlocked the door. Eeteuk blinked at him, confused. Had he done something wrong? Was he getting dismissed before they even did anything? He hit Kangin with a hard, questioning glare.

Kangin responded with a bright smile, “That’s all I wanted to hear.”

Eeteuk’s jaw dropped as Kangin opened the door and gestured for him to lead the way back to the table. All his other partners wouldn’t have stopped, would have continued after his blatant offer. All his other partners were not Kangin. After shooting Kangin an accusatory glare, he moved to lead them back to the members. On their silent walk back, Eeteuk began to wonder if it was a good thing that Kangin wasn’t like all the others from his past.

A few weeks later, Eeteuk and Kangin were out walking in the park when suddenly a young woman and boy were walking on the same path toward them caught Eeteuk’s attention. He stopped in his tracks and Kangin stopped out of confusion.

Eeteuk felt his heart constrict, his mouth go dry and felt every part of his body begin to tremble. As the pair approached, the woman looked at Eeteuk and they stopped before them. When she smiled, Eeteuk felt as if he had been punched. He hadn’t seen that smile in ten years and it still looked as bright as he remembered. As if in a trance, Eeteuk introduced Kangin to the woman. She turned her smile on him and Eeteuk felt his gut twist as Kangin smiled back and shook her hand.

If he felt liked he was punched when she smiled, he felt as if he had been stabbed when she introduced her companion as her son. Eeteuk felt the strength leave him and he would have fallen had Kangin not placed a hand at the small of his back. Usually, Eeteuk would’ve given Kangin a look of thanks, a small smile - anything… but at that moment, he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the boy who stood beside his first love.

The pain in his chest grew and he felt tears begin to sting his eyes. He fought it back as he offered a big smile, congratulating her. The smile faltered then disappeared as Kangin began engaging her in conversation. He tried to drown them out, his eyes glued to the boy who’s eyes wandered about, but snippets of their chatter broke through to him anyway. She was married and a year later they were blessed with her son. She had recently moved back to Seoul with her family and they were on their way to meet her husband for a late lunch by his office building.

Kangin made their excuses to leave, sensing the emotions coursing through Eeteuk. They said their goodbyes and Kangin had to practically push Eeteuk to bring him out of his trance. After a few steps, Eeteuk turned around and called after her. She and her son stopped and she turned around, giving him a look of question,

“How long were you and your husband together before you got married?” Eeteuk questioned, forcing a strength into his words that he didn’t feel; if he didn’t, he knew his voice would crack.

She chewed on her bottom lip a moment and eyed him warily before answering, “Three years.” Her eyes dropped to the ground as she said goodbye once more and turned back, walking off with her son.

Three years.

Eeteuk felt his heart hammering in his chest painfully, felt the tears return with a vengeance and suddenly it became hard to breath. His breaths came shallow and staggered. He grabbed onto Kangin for balance as he felt his world suddenly begin to spin and crumble once more. Not knowing what to do, nor how to feel, Kangin grabbed Eeteuk’s hand and led them back to the dorm.

Once back at the dorm, Kangin was glad to find it empty. With Eeteuk’s mood he knew his hyung wouldn’t want the others to see him so shaken up. As Kangin began untying his shoes, Eeteuk brushed past him, walking to his room almost trance-like. Curious and worried, Kangin followed after him. He stood in the doorway as Eeteuk moved to his closet.

Eeteuk pushed the door open and got down on his knees. He began tossing clothes from the bottom of the closet away. He dug until he found a shoebox that had been hidden in the recesses of the dirty clothes he and Donghae had piled in the closet. Closing the closet door, he stood with the shoebox and brought it over to his desk. He opened it and suddenly began to dig through the contents of the shoebox.

Kangin watched, amazed as Eeteuk pulled out a small picture frame. Eeteuk brushed off the dust that had collected on the wooden frame over the years and just stared at the picture within. Silently, Kangin came up behind him and looked at the picture over his shoulder. Kangin recognized the first person in the picture immediately, it was Eeteuk when he was much younger. Eeteuk was smiling happily, his single dimple appearing. Kangin followed Eeteuk’s arm in the picture which was draped across the shoulders of the other person in the picture. A girl sat beside Eeteuk with long, straight hair. She had almond-shaped eyes, cute dimples and a big smile; the same smile he had seen earlier in the park.

Suddenly, Kangin couldn’t see the picture clearly anymore. The glass had become stained with tears and the hands holding the frame were shaking horribly.

“I was with her for three years before she left me for him…” Eeteuk’s voice came in a whisper. “I loved her…”

Kangin turned him around and, hands planted firmly on his shoulders, he stared directly into Eeteuk’s tear-filled eyes. “You have me now.”

Eeteuk pushed him away, scowling, “Don’t tell me what I have and what I don’t have. The last thing I need is pity from you.”

“I don’t pity you damn it!” Kangin exclaimed, grabbing his wrist as he began to leave the room, “I just think you should forget about her because she’s not here, I am.”

Eeteuk glared back at him, seeing the fire in his boyfriend’s eyes. Never before had he seen such an intensity in those eyes; never before had he felt such a possessiveness surging through that body. He knew he should be scared, should run away from such things, but all Eeteuk felt was drawn even more to his dongsaeng.

“Then fuck me.”

The command came so quietly that Kangin wasn’t even sure it was said. He stammered, his hold on Eeteuk’s wrist suddenly loosening, “What?”

“Until I never remember her again…” Eeteuk said swiftly, softly as he closed the distance between them, the frame slipping from his fingers and falling to the floor. He reached up, cupping the nape of Kangin’s neck with his hand and pulling his lips to his own.

The kiss was sweet and promising of things to come, things they hadn’t done since that time in the bathroom. Slowly, Kangin pulled him back with him until they were at Eeteuk’s bed. As Eeteuk stood before him, Kangin’s lips moved away from his mouth. He trailed kisses along his jaw and down the column of his neck. His hands moved up his shirt and Eeteuk only broke contact with Kangin to pull off his shirt. Once his torso was bared, Kangin continued his ministrations.

Slowly, Kangin sat on the edge of the bed, pulling Eeteuk to stand between his legs. Gripping Eeteuk’s hips, he flicked his tongue across a flat nipple. Eeteuk shuddered from the sensation as Kangin began to suck and nip at first one, and then the other. Eeteuk felt the pressure being to build within him and suddenly his jeans felt like they were too tight. He fought the urge to scream as Kangin’s lips moved lower and lower, slowly slipping from the bed until he was on his knees.

Kangin easily undid his jeans and slipped them along with his drawers down until Eeteuk stood there naked. He looked up questioningly at his hyung and Eeteuk had to restrain himself from grabbing him and driving into him then and there. Kangin dragged a finger tip along the errant arousal and Eeteuk let out a soft moan. Then he dragged his tongue along the shaft and Eeteuk had to grab onto his shoulders to keep upright. However, Kangin did nothing more than use a finger or the tip of his tongue to caress Eeteuk. Growing impatient, Eeteuk tightened his hold on Kangin’s shoulders and Kangin looked up at him, questioningly, a smirk on his lips.

“Please…” Eeteuk grounded out.

Kangin nodded as he wrapped his hand around Eeteuk and slowly began to stroke him, firmly, steadily. Eeteuk let out a moan of relief as he finally felt more. The pressure that had been building up below, suddenly began to slowly spread to the rest of his body. He felt the strength leaving his legs and found it hard to breath as Kangin continued to pump him in slow, strong strokes.

Eeteuk found himself on the verge of begging for more again when he felt Kangin’s mouth surround him. His mouth fell open and his fingers trembled as they gripped onto Kangin’s shoulders. He gasped suddenly when Kangin began to suck on him, hard. It was getting harder and harder to stand, with or without Kangin there to support him. Soon the trembling that was in his fingers spread to the rest of his body as he felt as if he were on fire.

Kangin moved his hands from Eeteuk’s hips, to his bottom, gripping it tightly, holding it to him. Eeteuk felt Kangin’s fingers begin to massage his rear and felt the back of Kangin’s throat tease the tip of him. As his dongsaeng began to undulate his head on him, Eeteuk felt the pressure building and building until he couldn’t handle it anymore. He tried to push Kangin away as he reached his climax, but Kangin held him and drank every last drop of him.

When he was spent, Eeteuk stood shakily, holding Kangin’s head to his stomach. He took slow, deep breaths, trying to calm his hammering heart.

“You didn’t have to…” Eeteuk managed between steadying breaths,

“Oh, I did,” Kangin argued softly, his voice low and sultry, as he got to his feet, “I wanted to give you something before I have you beneath me, panting,” he kissed his shoulder, “and wriggling,” he moved his kisses to Eeteuk’s neck, “begging for more,” he kissed up his neck until his lips tickled his ear, “and screaming my name.”

Eeteuk shuddered at the promise as Kangin handed him onto the bed. He watched with bated breath as Kangin undressed. His eyes followed his dongsaeng’s hands as they unbuttoned and unzipped so slowly, he thought he’d scream in anticipation. Before he even realized it, Kangin was before him, all his clothes pooled at his ankles.

Eeteuk held out a hand to him and Kangin took it, coming onto the bed and slowly lowered them to the mattress as he kissed him. Kangin had one hand cupping Eeteuk’s neck and the other hand was below, between them and stroking Eeteuk into arousal once more. Eeteuk’s hands roamed over Kangin’s back, sides, torso, his hands revelling in the feel of bare skin; Kangin’s bare skin.

This time, it was Eeteuk’s turn to deepen the kiss, his tongue running along every surface of the inside of Kangin’s hot mouth. Kangin groaned into the kiss as Eeteuk rubbed his tongue along Kangin’s and then taking his tongue between his lips. Then, Eeteuk released Kangin’s lips to gasp as he felt his dongsaeng’s hands grow rougher on him below.

Kangin tightened his fingers around Eeteuk as his strokes grew stronger and Eeteuk bit down hard on his lip to stop from screaming. He could feel the pressure building up inside again as Kangin continued. He was close to oblivion when he suddenly felt Kangin at his entrance. His eyes flew open and he stared wildly into the other’s eyes.

Before he could think of anything, Kangin entered him swiftly as his lips captured his own. Eeteuk cried into the kiss as he felt as if his body had been torn in half. His hands which had been roaming, caressing Kangin were now clutching him to him, holding him close as he fought his tears.

“I’m sorry,” Kangin whispered as his lips moved to Eeteuk’s eyes, pressing a kiss to each, pained to taste Eeteuk’s salty tears.

Eeteuk felt Kangin’s hand travel from behind his neck to his head, holding it to his shoulder. As if understanding what he wanted, Eeteuk bit down hard on Kangin’s shoulder to stop from crying. He tasted copper and felt Kangin flinch from the pain. Kangin gritted his teeth together to stop from crying out, not because Eeteuk had bitten him, but because Eeteuk surrounded him so tightly, he was surprised he could control himself for this long. Eeteuk tried to move his head away, to stop from causing him pain, but Kangin head his head still; kept his own body still.

His heart slowly calming, Eeteuk felt the pain slowly turn into soreness, slowly turn into something more as his senses were blown wide open. He could feel Kangin on ever inch of his body. He could feel Kangin’s breath on his neck, hot and wet. He could hear the other’s heavy breathing, feel his chest moving against his own. More importantly, he could feel Kangin pulsating within him. It was such an odd feeling, of being intruded and yet, it was welcome. The stretching which had once caused him pain was now throbbing for more. Gingerly, he raised his hips, crossing his ankles high on Kangin’s back. It was answer enough for him to start moving.

A soft moan escaped Eeteuk’s lips as Kangin began to move in and out of him. The feeling was so new, so different. This was another way Kangin was different from the others, he had never gone this far with anyone else, probably because he ended it long before it even got close.

Kangin grunted from the effort of each thrust then suddenly slowed down completely. Eeteuk opened his eyes, staring at Kangin with disbelief. He smirked down at his hyung as he proceeded at an achingly slow pace. Eeteuk tried in vain to move his hips, to feel more, to make Kangin move more.

“Say you’re mine,” Kangin’s voice came in a low growl,

“Do you care about me?” Eeteuk questioned in reply, gritting his teeth in irritation,

“Of course I do,” Kangin grounded out.

“Then,” Eeteuk tightened his legs around Kangin, “I’m yours.”

In reply, Kangin increased the speed of his thrusts. Eeteuk let out a moan of relief as he got what he wanted. The pressure, the heat, everything was back and more than before. Kangin entered him again and again. Eeteuk was close to the edge, and Kangin felt him hard against his stomach. With one hand still cradling the back of Eeteuk’s head, Kangin reached between them with his other and brushed his hand over the tip of Eeteuk’s arousal. He let out a cry as his whole body shook from the shock.

“Harder…” Eeteuk breathed as he felt sweat drip down his face,

“Say you’re mine,” Kangin grounded out as he began to stroke Eeteuk, coordinating his hand with his hips,

“Damn it, you already know I’m yours!” Eeteuk exclaimed with frustration.

Before he could say anything more, Kangin slammed into him and he let out a groan, Kangin’s name on his lips. Each thrust became more powerful than the last and Eeteuk felt his very core filled completely of Kangin. Soon, his body began to shake as he neared his completion and when Kangin buried his face against his neck, Eeteuk knew Kangin wasn’t far behind.

After a few more pumps, Eeteuk reached oblivion once more. He clenched his eyes closed, and clenched Kangin to him as his body pulsated with white fire. Kangin pumped him until he was completely spent and despite the evidence of Eeteuk’s climax evident between them, he continued. He moved both of his hands to Eeteuk’s hips and slammed into him again and again.

Soon, Kangin became frenzied, so close to the edge and yet still so far. He grabbed Eeteuk’s knees and moved them to hook about his shoulders. This time, when he thrust into Eeteuk, the feel was more different, more powerful, more deep.

Eeteuk threw his arms above his head in wanton abandon as Kangin pounded into him harder and harder and harder still. Kangin’s fingers became bruising on his hips but Eeteuk didn’t mind, all he minded was that he was close to completion for the third time.

When Eeteuk reached his climax again, Kangin felt himself just about to fall over the precipice, he whispered against Eeteuk’s neck, “I love you…”

Eeteuk’s eyes flew wide open and suddenly, he pushed Kangin off of him.

Kangin stared at him in disbelief. It was a fraction of a second before disbelief turned into anger, “What the hell was that!?” He demanded, getting up and standing beside the bed, “You get yours three times - THREE TIMES - and I don’t even get mine!?”

“For goodness sake,” Eeteuk knelt on the bed before him and grabbed for Kangin. He pumped him a few times and that was all it took, despite his anger, for him to finish.

After he was spent, Kangin pushed Eeteuk away, “You still haven’t answered me!”

“You said you love me!” Eeteuk retorted, almost accusingly,

Kangin’s jaw dropped before his eyes narrowed, “And what the hell is wrong with that!?”

“I told you in the beginning, all I need is for you to care - I don’t need love!” Eeteuk declared, getting off the bed and pushing past Kangin to grab and pull on his boxers.

“What kind of bullshit is that!?” Kangin demanded as he began to pull on his own boxers and jeans.

“If you can’t accept it then let’s just end things now,” Eeteuk gave the ultimatum, crossing his arms and clad in just his boxers.

“I love you - I don’t want to break up with you!” Kangin stated angrily as he grabbed his shirt from the floor and pulled it on.

“Stop saying that!” Eeteuk demanded,

“What that I love you? Give me one good reason why I should stop,” Kangin challenged,

“Because I can’t love you back!” Eeteuk exclaimed,

“Why the hell not!?” Kangin demanded, “You loved her!”

Eeteuk said nothing, turning his gaze away, he stood there silently.

“You’re full of bullshit, I hope you know that,” Kangin grounded out as he pushed past Eeteuk to the door. He stopped in the door way and turned back to look at him, “And I don’t give a shit what you say because damn it, I love you - why? I can’t even say right now, but I do. And I’ll keep loving you no matter what the fuck you say! So I’ll just wait for you to come to your senses and when you do, give me a fucking call.” With that, Kangin exited, slamming the bedroom door behind him.

Eeteuk never did call Kangin back. Instead, he did the opposite and began hanging out with Heechul more often than before. When they had activities together with Super Junior, Eeteuk constantly felt Kangin’s eyes on them and he forced himself to not pay attention.

Heechul, on the other hand, relished in Kangin’s blatant jealousy. Whenever he sat next to Eeteuk, Heechul made an effort to always have an arm loosely draped across his shoulders. Whenever cameras weren’t rolling, Heechul would lean in close to Eeteuk and whisper something - anything to make the leader smile or laugh; anything to make Kangin’s bile rise.

One afternoon, Super Junior were at the dance studio practicing for an upcoming performance. Eeteuk stood against the wall, arms crossed loosely about his torso as Heechul stood in front of him,

“You’re enjoying this too much,” Eeteuk said flatly,

Heechul smirked, “You said you wanted Kangin to hate you to make it easier on him… I’m just helping things look more believable.” Heechul stretched out an arm, planting it beside Eeteuk’s head, “Although, it would be easier if you just love the moron.”

“I can’t… not again,” Eeteuk sighed, his gaze dropping to the wooden floor. Since his fight with Kangin two weeks ago, he had felt hollow. His chest constricted and hurt at even the mere mention of his dongsaeng’s name. Clenching his fists to stop from trembling, he muttered, “All I need is for him to care,”

“Well he does… just more than you’d like,” Heechul pointed out,

Eeteuk shook his head before he sighed and looked up at Heechul, a small smile on his face despite his eyes sparkling with threatening tears, “Thanks for your help.”

Before he could reply, Heechul suddenly found himself on the ground, his shoulders throbbing from where they had been hit by two strong hands. Kangin towered over him, his hands clenched tightly at his sides, knuckles white from the effort. When he moved to go after Heechul again, Shiwon and Hankyung came up behind him, both grabbing an arm to stop him.

Eeteuk went to Heechul, “Why the fuck did you do that!?” Eeteuk demanded, turning on Kangin after helping Heechul to his feet,

“We never broke up,” Kangin grounded out, his eyes dark and fiery as he struggled against his hyung and his dongsaeng’s hold on him,

“And what does that have to do with you pushing Heechul?” Eeteuk questioned,

“He’s always with you and you’re always with him. He always has an arm around you, your hands always brush one another. Smiling at him, laughing with him - I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!” Kangin exclaimed, tears forming in his eyes as both Shiwon and Hankyung had to dig their heels into the ground to restrain him.

Heechul nudge Eeteuk to just follow his advice, but Eeteuk refused to. Rather, he turned to Heechul, grabbed his face between his hands and pulled him into a kiss.

Kangin let out a cry as he pulled with all his strength to free himself from the other’s grips. Hankyung and Shiwon did so immediately and Kangin crumbled to the floor. Heechul pushed Eeteuk away and moved towards Kangin, but Eeteuk grabbed his arm stopping him. On his knees, Kangin pounded on the floor, grounding out a curse as his body shook from the cries he fought against. He wouldn’t cry aloud again, not for someone who could do that to him.

A heaviness fell upon his chest and it began to suffocate Kangin until he felt his heart break from the pressure. When he felt a pair of arms wrap around him, he allowed himself to hope for a moment. He looked up and through his veil of tears he didn’t see Eeteuk beside him. Instead, he saw Sungmin. Kangin bit down hard on his lip to stop from screaming as he felt his heart break a second time. Why had he allowed himself to hope?

From within the circle of his dongsaeng’s comforting arms, Kangin watched through his tears as Eeteuk turned and walked away, pulling a reluctant Heechul with him. Once the door closed behind them, a strangle cry escaped from Kangin’s lips.

He hadn’t thought it possible for his heart to break a third time.

Tensions were high in Super Junior for the following weeks. Three month after what had happened in the dance studio, Heechul was with Eeteuk, returning from that day’s activities. When they stepped out of the elevator, they were surprised to meet three of their other members waiting for the elevator. As they came out, Donghae, Sungmin and Kangin greeted them,

“Evening hyungs,” Donghae and Sungmin coursed,

“Eeteuk-sshi,” Kangin greeted quietly, a small smile on his lips,

Eeteuk blinked a moment, startled before murmuring, “Hi… Kangin…” They hadn’t even said common courtesy pleasantries to one another over the past three months, let alone greetings upon sudden run-ins.

“Where are you three off to?” Heechul asked absent-mindedly as he ran a hand through his perfectly groomed hair,

“I’m going with Sungmin and Kangin to Kangin’s radio show tonight,” Donghae explained as they stepped into the elevator,

“Sungmin and Kangin?” Eeteuk repeated under his breath as his eyes suddenly fell upon the intertwined fingers of said members. He felt a lump form in his throat, stopping any words he could muster from his discovery. As he heard the elevator doors begin to close, his eyes shot up just in time to see Kangin lean in and drop a kiss to Sungmin’s nose.

Eeteuk felt all his strength leave him and he fell to the ground. His heart was hammering painfully in his chest and the lump in his throat felt as if it were growing. His chest tightened and he found himself no longer able to breath. His body began to tremble and unbeknownst to him, tears began to fall from eyes that were still wide from shock.

He crossed his arms over his stomach, pressing them into his abdomen. His stomach felt as if a knife had impaled him and was now slowly twisting as it was driven deeper and deeper. Heechul knelt down beside him and gathered him into his arms, but Eeteuk felt none of that. His body felt cold all over and he felt numb to his dongsaeng’s comforting embrace. He wanted to push Heechul away and yet, wanted some kind of comfort and affection; still, he felt nothing. Nothing but hollowness and cold and pain.

“What’s wrong with me?” Eeteuk managed through his overwhelming cries, and flood of tears,

“I think… you’ve just had your heart broken,” Heechul’s voice floated to him, soft, gently and warm, but Eeteuk felt none of these from his voice.

“But… that means I only helped what I’ve tried to stop from happening all these years,” Eeteuk muttered confusedly as his body shook with a greater ferocity than before. His voice trembled and cracked as he went on, “But that would have to mean...” on the brink of realization, yet not allowing himself to believe it, Eeteuk grounded out, “I love Kangin…”

Heechul tightened his arms about him, but Eeteuk felt no comfort as Heechul replied hesitantly, “Exactly.”

The remnants of his broken heart died at that moment.


(For the sequel, Fated to Break)